I just want to be Normal......

There I was, comparing my outsides to everyone else's insides. Always a bad game to play.

It's something that I've done since I was a young child.

Sitting in the auditorium at my elementary school on performance night wondering where my dad was.

Where he'd been.

Why he wasn't here, again.

And the examples go on and on.

I don't dwell on the specifics of my past much, it isn't pleasant by a long shot, and I have the assurance that the Lord is indeed working it all together for good.....

..... but every once in a while..... WHAM! It hits me like a lightning bolt..... how broken my life has been. The focus becomes really sharp on how fragmented my life is, how much pain my children have had to endure, how much I STILL struggle emotionally at times....

And then the words:

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.

Tonight was a bit different than the previous times that I have dwelt on those words....

I began to think about what I would have missed in my life had I not had the broken, fragmented life I've had....

Like knowing to the innermost part of me that my Father in Heaven is truly MY FATHER, because He is the only one I had for so long....

Like feeling His arms around me holding me like a child as I fell asleep when the pain was more than I could bear.

Like hearing His voice so clearly comforting, correcting, and guiding me when there was no human who I could turn to.

In my loneliness He has shown me His constant Love.

In my all consuming pain He has shown me His comfort.

In my betrayal and abandonment He has shown me His faithfulness.

In my wounding He has shown me His healing hand.

In my rebellion He has shown me His kindness.

And in my brokenness He shows me grace.

Oh the lessons and transformation that has come from the fractures and pain.

Looking back, I wouldn't trade any of it for 'Normal'.

(Not that I honestly believe it exists.... other than a setting on my dryer...)

Thank you Lord for using the brokenness to show me who You are.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

Through the Fire...

We all have our own versions of what I'm about to share. Our own seasons of fire. 

Everyone, all of humanity does.

I'm just so unbelievably thankful that as a Christian the burning has a purpose.

To Refine.

Not just to wreak havoc. Bring Chaos. Devastate. Shatter. Destroy.

No, to rid of impurity. To reveal what is beneath. 

I had a vision a bit ago, (and as an artist I get them often), a vision that helped me to understand something in a deeper way. 

There was heat all around me, the kind of heat you can see. Not fire necessarily, more like the kind of heat wave that you see on hot pavement in the middle of August.

As the heat moved from my head to my feet, my physical exterior became thinner and thinner. In some spots less opaque, some near transparent, some just.... gone. 

And in the places you could see through, or in the absence of my flesh...

there was Gold.

I wasn't in any pain, and the Gold was so pure it was reflective.

There was movement in the reflection, but I couldn't make it out. 

Someday....

I know that this probably sounds gruesome to a degree, but it wasn't sci-fi yuck at all. 

It was beautiful. 

These last few years have had much fire, in many forms, and my husband and I have sought to follow Jesus even if it meant walking right through the middle. 

On more than one occasion, it has.

We have come out the other side of these fires with a better understanding of His faithfulness, His constancy, His provision, and His unfathomable Love. 

He is enough.

Life is full of fires. All shapes and sizes. 

But if a pure reflective Gold is the end result, then praise Him!

And, 

it is.

Stretched so that they might bear fruit...

I was at a great informational meeting, (about organic family farming in our area), with my sweet mom-in-love this week when I heard that concept.....

Stretched so that they might bear fruit.

It hit me like a verbal frying pan when I heard the farmer that was speaking say it. There was much deeper meaning that the Lord was speaking to me than shaping young apple trees into a particular position.

As the farmer spoke about the process of stretching the young trees into specific shapes so that they might bear a better harvest of fruit in the future, the Lord began to allow images of the last many years into my mind.

Painful images, sad images, hard images, and current trying images as well. He spoke to me about the process of 'stretching' that is going on in my life. That has been going on since before I even knew Him. He, as the perfect Farmer, has been stretching and pruning and positioning, even re-planting, for years. All because He knows the good fruit he has intended for my life, and for the lives of those around me.

The stretching is so that they might bear fruit.

Then I began to envision the process of the stretching as described by the farmer. The potential braces, wires, tools, and most important of all.... the hands that would be skillfully and purposefully moving and bending the branches.

The Hands.

I thought of the Lord's hands. Nail scarred hands. Hands that have touched the leper, the prostitute, the blind, the hopeless. His Hands.

The Hands of Jesus.

His hands hold the World. His hands knit me together in my mother's womb. The same hands that reach out to the broken, weak, and weary. THOSE hands are shaping me into the exact person that I need to be to bear the fruit that He has had planned since before time.

All the tension.

All the breakage.

All the stretching, and wounding, and healing.....

It's all stretching me into a shape.

Into His Shape.

So that I might bear fruit.

I got my Washington State Driver's License today.....

I am such a girl.

I don't often admit that, but it is so true.

I looked at my Driver's License photo today and the first thought through my head was, "WOW. I sure have aged a lot in the last 2 years...."

It bothered me for a bit. Well, more than a bit.... but then I began to give my feelings and thoughts over to the Lord about it.....

.... and He began to show me all the beautiful ways that He has 'aged' me in the last few years.

He has matured my trust in His faithfulness.

He has grown my love for his Word.

He has caused my desire to obey Him to increase by leaps and bounds.

He has expanded my view of who He is to me, and who He is to my children.

He has broken and mended my heart in more ways than I can describe.

He has carried me when my strength was gone, restored me, and underlined the fact that He does not despise weakness.

There is so much more that He has done, and WAY more that He is doing......

Thank you Department of Licensing!

Apparently I need the reminder!

:)

Looking back...

Looking back is hard.

There is pain in the foreground. Lots of it. But not looking at all isn't the right thing either. Amidst the rubble of the past are treasures. Things and people seemingly lost, just waiting to be remembered and found.

It's all about the right perspective and focus.

I have to have Christ-tinted lenses to enable me to see things accurately.

Once in place, I begin to recognize that the work of making all things new has begun.

Thankful. So thankful that He is faithful and completes what He has started.

And what He begins is always Good.

Create in Me A Clean Heart...

Or at least one that beats normally.

My son Gabe has been having heart issues for years. Probably 4 years. But no one knew it until his symptoms were severe and required medical attention immediately.

There's much more to his story, but I want to think about the first part. The part about how something was very wrong for years but no one suspected until it became excruciatingly uncomfortable.

How many times in my life have I ignored or excused away the 'symptoms' of something much deeper. Serious spiritual 'heart' issues.

Judgment

Compromise

Pride

Fear

The list could go on and on.

Uncomfortable has a way of forcing me to cry out to the Great Physician for help. He knows better than anyone how desperately I need healing. How I need sin to be ablated in my heart of hearts.

Oh Lord, thank you for being so faithful and patient to show me those areas that I might have an opportunity to release them to Your Hand.

Truly Lord, only You can Create In Me A Clean Heart.

The Dream

I am not living my dream,

My dream has changed
As has my vision.

Perhaps I was unable to see
Before.

My dream is that I would

Have no enemies

Be a fast listener
And slow talker

Let my regrets go
To bed once and for all

Love without restraint

Restrain my flesh more

Trust the Lord
With what is His already
Anyway.

No
I'm not living my dream,
However
I do have one that's worth living now.