I just want to be Normal......

There I was, comparing my outsides to everyone else's insides. Always a bad game to play.

It's something that I've done since I was a young child.

Sitting in the auditorium at my elementary school on performance night wondering where my dad was.

Where he'd been.

Why he wasn't here, again.

And the examples go on and on.

I don't dwell on the specifics of my past much, it isn't pleasant by a long shot, and I have the assurance that the Lord is indeed working it all together for good.....

..... but every once in a while..... WHAM! It hits me like a lightning bolt..... how broken my life has been. The focus becomes really sharp on how fragmented my life is, how much pain my children have had to endure, how much I STILL struggle emotionally at times....

And then the words:

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.

Tonight was a bit different than the previous times that I have dwelt on those words....

I began to think about what I would have missed in my life had I not had the broken, fragmented life I've had....

Like knowing to the innermost part of me that my Father in Heaven is truly MY FATHER, because He is the only one I had for so long....

Like feeling His arms around me holding me like a child as I fell asleep when the pain was more than I could bear.

Like hearing His voice so clearly comforting, correcting, and guiding me when there was no human who I could turn to.

In my loneliness He has shown me His constant Love.

In my all consuming pain He has shown me His comfort.

In my betrayal and abandonment He has shown me His faithfulness.

In my wounding He has shown me His healing hand.

In my rebellion He has shown me His kindness.

And in my brokenness He shows me grace.

Oh the lessons and transformation that has come from the fractures and pain.

Looking back, I wouldn't trade any of it for 'Normal'.

(Not that I honestly believe it exists.... other than a setting on my dryer...)

Thank you Lord for using the brokenness to show me who You are.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

Through the Fire...

We all have our own versions of what I'm about to share. Our own seasons of fire. 

Everyone, all of humanity does.

I'm just so unbelievably thankful that as a Christian the burning has a purpose.

To Refine.

Not just to wreak havoc. Bring Chaos. Devastate. Shatter. Destroy.

No, to rid of impurity. To reveal what is beneath. 

I had a vision a bit ago, (and as an artist I get them often), a vision that helped me to understand something in a deeper way. 

There was heat all around me, the kind of heat you can see. Not fire necessarily, more like the kind of heat wave that you see on hot pavement in the middle of August.

As the heat moved from my head to my feet, my physical exterior became thinner and thinner. In some spots less opaque, some near transparent, some just.... gone. 

And in the places you could see through, or in the absence of my flesh...

there was Gold.

I wasn't in any pain, and the Gold was so pure it was reflective.

There was movement in the reflection, but I couldn't make it out. 

Someday....

I know that this probably sounds gruesome to a degree, but it wasn't sci-fi yuck at all. 

It was beautiful. 

These last few years have had much fire, in many forms, and my husband and I have sought to follow Jesus even if it meant walking right through the middle. 

On more than one occasion, it has.

We have come out the other side of these fires with a better understanding of His faithfulness, His constancy, His provision, and His unfathomable Love. 

He is enough.

Life is full of fires. All shapes and sizes. 

But if a pure reflective Gold is the end result, then praise Him!

And, 

it is.