There I was, comparing my outsides to everyone else's insides. Always a bad game to play.
It's something that I've done since I was a young child.
Sitting in the auditorium at my elementary school on performance night wondering where my dad was.
Where he'd been.
Why he wasn't here, again.
And the examples go on and on.
I don't dwell on the specifics of my past much, it isn't pleasant by a long shot, and I have the assurance that the Lord is indeed working it all together for good.....
..... but every once in a while..... WHAM! It hits me like a lightning bolt..... how broken my life has been. The focus becomes really sharp on how fragmented my life is, how much pain my children have had to endure, how much I STILL struggle emotionally at times....
And then the words:
I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.
Tonight was a bit different than the previous times that I have dwelt on those words....
I began to think about what I would have missed in my life had I not had the broken, fragmented life I've had....
Like knowing to the innermost part of me that my Father in Heaven is truly MY FATHER, because He is the only one I had for so long....
Like feeling His arms around me holding me like a child as I fell asleep when the pain was more than I could bear.
Like hearing His voice so clearly comforting, correcting, and guiding me when there was no human who I could turn to.
In my loneliness He has shown me His constant Love.
In my all consuming pain He has shown me His comfort.
In my betrayal and abandonment He has shown me His faithfulness.
In my wounding He has shown me His healing hand.
In my rebellion He has shown me His kindness.
And in my brokenness He shows me grace.
Oh the lessons and transformation that has come from the fractures and pain.
Looking back, I wouldn't trade any of it for 'Normal'.
(Not that I honestly believe it exists.... other than a setting on my dryer...)
Thank you Lord for using the brokenness to show me who You are.
I wouldn't want it any other way.