The Dream

I am not living my dream,

My dream has changed
As has my vision.

Perhaps I was unable to see
Before.

My dream is that I would

Have no enemies

Be a fast listener
And slow talker

Let my regrets go
To bed once and for all

Love without restraint

Restrain my flesh more

Trust the Lord
With what is His already
Anyway.

No
I'm not living my dream,
However
I do have one that's worth living now.

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I've been thinking a lot about sincerity and realness in my walk with Jesus since our women's retreat last weekend. The speaker, Leslie Nease, was very sincere and even more real in her speaking to us. The second I saw her face online before the retreat I felt a kinship to her. I didn't know her whole story, just that her blog was titled REAL LIFE, and the way that she writes is transparent. Maybe it was something in her smile, her eyes.... or maybe not. It was Jesus. I needed to hear what she had to say, and let me tell you that the Enemy did everything he could to stop me from hearing it.

Money, transportation, gear, kids, my extremely unfaithful friend Fear, you name it and he threw it my way. Thank the Lord for my husband. He gently but firmly said that I needed to be there. That the Lord wanted me there and he knew it, that he wouldn't stand for me cowing down to the Enemy yet one more time to be led into that wretched hole the Lord has been trying so patiently to drag me from.

So I went.

I was a part of the worship team, which gave me some sense of a feeling of commitment to go, and yet the reasons that I had for being hesitant were real. But not as real as the message that was in store for me when I got there.

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 10 or 11 years old. (I'm pretty sure it was 10... but that was a while ago.) My Grandma had passed away when I was 8 and a half, she was my best friend, and the world was officially off it's axis after that. My time at Camp Yamhill for those few summers, and the time I spent with the youth at Metro Church of Christ really watered little seeds that had been planted when I was a young child. But life, and sin, and trauma, and abuse, and and and..... provided fertile ground for me to become fearful, hopeless, angry, and lost for a lot of years after that day in the Yamhill River where I was baptized.

I went through the Genie in the Lamp god stage, and the life preserver god stage, and the 'wow I can't seem to get it right no matter how hard I try so I'll just keep God over there and I'll be over here giving myself a colossal beating so He won't have to' stage, then the ever so popular 'I am going to take the wheel now thanks for getting me this far I can do just fine now' stage, which promptly landed me into a spiritual, emotional, and physical (as far as my health is concerned) brick wall.

Leslie spoke about this, she called it The Try Cycle. Ya know, Try, Try harder, Try Hardest, Give up...... and under the heading of Give Up would be a myriad of horrendous decisions, or buying massive stock in the Enemies lies until a phone call, a visit, or the Lord Himself would pull me up and give me hope to try again.

What I realized at the retreat is that I was trying so hard all those years to be acceptable, to be worthy, to be lovable, and to do all kinds of good stuff hoping to achieve those things.

I had it backward.

During our quiet time we were instructed to go and spend some time with the Lord, no real hard parameters on what to do exactly, just to be with Him. So, I grabbed my journal and headed to my room. I opened it up and asked the Lord to speak to me, and here is what He said:

I have loved you with an everlasting Love.

My thoughts toward you are precious.

I am renewing and reviving you.

I will never let you go.

You are completely covered and forgiven.

And then;

From HERE on:

I am the Truth

I am the Way

I am the Life

But then He had me go back through and slash the word 'the' in the last 3 lines and replace
them like this:

I am YOUR Truth

I am YOUR Way

I am YOUR Life ~ Jesus


I had never thought of those words in that way. Always so general, now He was telling me that after all the affirmation He had just spoken to me, He is all the things that I am searching for. I left that quiet time totally humbled and very ready to hear anything further that the Lord wanted to speak to me during that retreat time.

At one point Leslie used a large blood red piece of cloth to cover up some items that represented her old life. I don't think I'll ever forget that visual. The things were totally not visible by ANYONE anymore. Covered completely. I have struggled with that for so long, feeling marked, labeled, condemned, and in that one moment the Lord used that visual to show me how completely in Him I am.

I had been striving all those years for something that already was. I am totally worthy, loved, and accepted in Jesus! It was already a done deal. Nothing I can do or say or be can make it anymore so than it is right now! I have shied away from the hand of the Lord, from the voice of my Father for so long because I didn't truly believe in my position. I was so ashamed of my sin, so afraid of his punishment for my rebellion, that I ran along the edges trying to build up enough good-ness that He might accept me.

He already does!

He doesn't even see my sin anymore, I am in Him, and in Him I am protected and valuable and secure.

No wonder the Enemy didn't want me there.

I must be honest and say that ever since I got home he has been doing his darndest to distract me, to continue to pummel my body, fire darts of doubt and lies into my mind..... BUT I have the Truth. I am in Him and He is in me, and He told me that He will never let me go.

I may feel the wind as the Enemy storms about, or the heat as his temper flares, but I am on solid ground, and I know who I am and WHO I belong to.......

and I BELIEVE it.

Finally. :)

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.....

"What a fellowship
What a joy divine
Leaning on the Everlasting Arms!
What a blessedness
What a peace is mine
Leaning on the Everlasting Arms!"~ Elisha Hoffman 1887

Truly, is there anywhere else in this world where peace and joy can be found other than in the Arms of the Everlasting God?

This song has been running through my head tonight and it caused me to reflect on all the other things that I have 'leaned' on in my life. It is safe to say that the list is long, and actually humbling to recount. I have tried finding strength just about everywhere else on the planet before I came to the life-changing realization that true strength that stands when all else is falling is found in Jesus alone.

"On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground IS sinking sand." ~Edward Mote 1834

Obviously, people have been getting this for long before me. Thank the Lord that they composed such testimonial hymns to relate to us that would come later.

Hymns have always been a comfort food musically to me. I grew up with my spunky Grandma Freda singing and humming them around her little house in Portland, OR. Her 'Camp Song' books were left to me after she went home to Jesus, and I spent many hours reading them and thinking about their meaning as a young adult.

"I heard an old, old story,
How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;
I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood's atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory." ~ Eugene Monroe Bartlett 1939

Such rich, deep, truth embedded in every one. To truly understand what Christ did for me leads me straight to the foot of that old bloody cross, and to a decision as to what I'm going to do about it.

"Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind
But now I see."~ John Newton 1760-70

And what a wretch I was! And how lost.... I can't get through that verse without choking back tears of gratitude for the Grace that has saved me, given me sight, and led me home.
My salvation experience wasn't an easy one, no human led me in a prayer, no alter was around to hear a pastor's voice calling. In sharp contrast, however, was the roar of the ocean, the pounding of my own heartbeat, and the clarion call of the Saviour of my soul.

"At the cross, at the cross,
Where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away.
It was there by faith
I received my sight
And now I am happy all the day."~ Isaac Watts 1707

To finally grab hold of the truth that I have a Redeemer that truly wants to shoulder the burdens of this life has brought a rest to my spirit and peace to my mind that is near indescribable. The Enemy would love nothing better than to convince me that it is I that should be able to carry it all, and then back up to my emotional driveway with a truckload of guilt when I can't. Thank you Lord that your yoke is easy and your burden is light.

It's always about His strength, and about Him perfecting it in my weakness.

Thank you Jesus for the gift of music, for the depth of the Hymns, and for your Truth most of all.

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Am I getting this right?

Oh, just when I think I figured 'it' out, 'it' changes..... That's how I feel about my body. YES, I understand that our bodies are going to change.... mine has morphed many times so far... I just mean the maintenance stuff.... Eating and sleeping and hydrating and supplementing and and and...

I have made several misturns in the last few days and am now paying (and praying) for it. I'm asking the Lord for wisdom on what to do and what not to do. He has already been faithful to answer me quite clearly on a few things.....

In this season of my life, if I have an event in the evening I need to rest during the day. Check.

If I have things going on all morning, I need to rest that evening. Check.

Don't eat sugar until AFTER you've had adequate protein, and only in little bits. CHECK.

Stay hydrated. Check.

Listen to the gentle nudges from my husband. Check.

If you feel stressed out as if you're doing too much, YOU ARE. Check.

Rest in the Lord, trust in His plan. Hmmmm, maybe not so check.


It seems like whenever I get a bit of my legs under me, I'm off and running... and right now running isn't pretty. It's wobbly and awkward, and you're likely to find me collapsed in a heap in someone's front yard.

The Lord is ever so patiently teaching me to 'heel'.

He is healing me, and heeling me at the same time.

I watched our little dog, Louie the Meatball, tonight on his leash and I was so irritated at the way he strains against my lead.... I implemented rudimentary heeling training immediately. It didn't take long and he was walking where he should be, but I knew that if I let him have his head he would be 6 feet ahead of me, front paws nearly off the ground, straining against my lead again.

Straining against my lead.......

Straining against..... His lead.

Oh how many times have I strained against the Lord's lead. I have either run ahead at lightning speed with my collar choking me, the beautiful tag of ownership with His name on it flapping wildly under my lolling tongue, only to be caught up short.

OR, I'm lagging behind. Front and back legs rigid, eyes closed, either terrified or simply full of my own rebellion and willfulness. I won't, I won't, I WON'T!

I am reminded this evening that the Lord has never wielded a 'newspaper' to my backside, strapped on a 'pinch collar', or employed an electric shock device.

Oh, I've had headlines that are hair raising wake me up for sure, experienced my fair share of pain, and been jolted back to my senses a time or two. But never by His hand.

Natural consequences, and a healthy dose of conscience have been doing their job just fine.

The Lord's hand has always been gentle with me. Strong when needed, but always kind. If there ever was an unruly pup, it has been me for sure. But He never has been harsh, or given up on me.

In a very small way my re-teaching Lou to heel is a reflection of the Lord reaffirming to me that I can trust Him. His timing, His way, His Lead.

He has all the wisdom I need to do this life, I just need to stay at His heel.

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O TASTE and see that the Lord, He IS good....

Fear is the most deceitful cage that you can be in. The Liar whispers the bars into place, and fashions the mist so that it appears the door is shut tight. Locked with no hope of release.

I have been in that cage, in a pit so deep I lost sight of the light at times. The whispers came slowly at first, and I tried with all my might to ignore them. What I truly needed to do was to take them with both hands and hurl them at the foot of the Cross where the blood of Jesus covers them so that they aren't even visible anymore.

I can say with every fiber of my being that there is NO darkness that can blot out the light of the Lord. No pain, no sadness, no despair that His Love does not go deeper still.

There are many things that the Lord is teaching me through this time, He certainly isn't wasting anything.

He doesn't despise us in our weakness, He isn't frustrated when we fall, and He is always faithful and close to the brokenhearted. Always.

I have tasted the bitter water of fear, have lived with the empty pit of hopelessness, have been robbed of my last shred of rational thought at times, and the Lord has lifted me up.... all with His strength, I had none.

He is my Redeemer, and the Lifter of my head.

I have tasted and seen, Jesus you are good.

For Better and For Worse

Marriage is no small commitment. To have, to hold, to live with, to love, to do and give our very best to another person everyday. That's a lot. But that's not all, it means being there when no one else is. Showing up when it's hard, or you're tired, or you've been showing up for a really long time and it isn't getting easier.

These last few months I have seen the definition of commitment lived out in front of my own eyes. As my husband walks through illness of various types with me, he keeps showing up. I feel pretty safe speaking for him here.... it hasn't been easy. I think some of the scariest moments of his life have been in the last few months, and I really hate that I have been the platter on which those moments have been served. On the other hand, if the Lord is using it (and I know He is) to shape Rick into the man He desires him to be, then okay. We don't get to pick which kind of vessel we are, we just need to be willing to be used.

That's not to say that I have been joyfully submitted to this season. I haven't. I have cried out for deliverance, wept with exhaustion, whined, grumped, been irritable, and begged God to just heal me. Please. A couple of times that has all happened in just one day. Then there are the hurricane grade panic attacks. Those have been the most harrowing of all for Rick. As he holds on to me, and I cling to him, I know that he has both spiritual hands gripped tight on Jesus trusting that He will guide us through. The Lord has walked us through several of these dark moments, I wouldn't wish them on an enemy, and I know that they are not in vain.

I trust, for various solid reasons, that the Lord is about the business of healing me. Not in the presto-change o kind of way that I would like, but through a process. I'm learning moderation. I'm learning to trust my husband, to listen to the Lord's still small voice, to take more time with my kids and love them for who they are right where they're at. I'm sure there are a lot more things that the Lord is teaching me, and that He will be faithful to show me all of that when the machinery upstairs is whirring as it should again.

For now I am in awe of the love that the Lord has given to this man I get to call my husband, and that he has chosen me for better and for worse.