Monday, March 14, 2011

For Better and For Worse

Marriage is no small commitment. To have, to hold, to live with, to love, to do and give our very best to another person everyday. That's a lot. But that's not all, it means being there when no one else is. Showing up when it's hard, or you're tired, or you've been showing up for a really long time and it isn't getting easier.

These last few months I have seen the definition of commitment lived out in front of my own eyes. As my husband walks through illness of various types with me, he keeps showing up. I feel pretty safe speaking for him here.... it hasn't been easy. I think some of the scariest moments of his life have been in the last few months, and I really hate that I have been the platter on which those moments have been served. On the other hand, if the Lord is using it (and I know He is) to shape Rick into the man He desires him to be, then okay. We don't get to pick which kind of vessel we are, we just need to be willing to be used.

That's not to say that I have been joyfully submitted to this season. I haven't. I have cried out for deliverance, wept with exhaustion, whined, grumped, been irritable, and begged God to just heal me. Please. A couple of times that has all happened in just one day. Then there are the hurricane grade panic attacks. Those have been the most harrowing of all for Rick. As he holds on to me, and I cling to him, I know that he has both spiritual hands gripped tight on Jesus trusting that He will guide us through. The Lord has walked us through several of these dark moments, I wouldn't wish them on an enemy, and I know that they are not in vain.

I trust, for various solid reasons, that the Lord is about the business of healing me. Not in the presto-change o kind of way that I would like, but through a process. I'm learning moderation. I'm learning to trust my husband, to listen to the Lord's still small voice, to take more time with my kids and love them for who they are right where they're at. I'm sure there are a lot more things that the Lord is teaching me, and that He will be faithful to show me all of that when the machinery upstairs is whirring as it should again.

For now I am in awe of the love that the Lord has given to this man I get to call my husband, and that he has chosen me for better and for worse.

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