Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Am I getting this right?

Oh, just when I think I figured 'it' out, 'it' changes..... That's how I feel about my body. YES, I understand that our bodies are going to change.... mine has morphed many times so far... I just mean the maintenance stuff.... Eating and sleeping and hydrating and supplementing and and and...

I have made several misturns in the last few days and am now paying (and praying) for it. I'm asking the Lord for wisdom on what to do and what not to do. He has already been faithful to answer me quite clearly on a few things.....

In this season of my life, if I have an event in the evening I need to rest during the day. Check.

If I have things going on all morning, I need to rest that evening. Check.

Don't eat sugar until AFTER you've had adequate protein, and only in little bits. CHECK.

Stay hydrated. Check.

Listen to the gentle nudges from my husband. Check.

If you feel stressed out as if you're doing too much, YOU ARE. Check.

Rest in the Lord, trust in His plan. Hmmmm, maybe not so check.

It seems like whenever I get a bit of my legs under me, I'm off and running... and right now running isn't pretty. It's wobbly and awkward, and you're likely to find me collapsed in a heap in someone's front yard.

The Lord is ever so patiently teaching me to 'heel'.

He is healing me, and heeling me at the same time.

I watched our little dog, Louie the Meatball, tonight on his leash and I was so irritated at the way he strains against my lead.... I implemented rudimentary heeling training immediately. It didn't take long and he was walking where he should be, but I knew that if I let him have his head he would be 6 feet ahead of me, front paws nearly off the ground, straining against my lead again.

Straining against my lead.......

Straining against..... His lead.

Oh how many times have I strained against the Lord's lead. I have either run ahead at lightning speed with my collar choking me, the beautiful tag of ownership with His name on it flapping wildly under my lolling tongue, only to be caught up short.

OR, I'm lagging behind. Front and back legs rigid, eyes closed, either terrified or simply full of my own rebellion and willfulness. I won't, I won't, I WON'T!

I am reminded this evening that the Lord has never wielded a 'newspaper' to my backside, strapped on a 'pinch collar', or employed an electric shock device.

Oh, I've had headlines that are hair raising wake me up for sure, experienced my fair share of pain, and been jolted back to my senses a time or two. But never by His hand.

Natural consequences, and a healthy dose of conscience have been doing their job just fine.

The Lord's hand has always been gentle with me. Strong when needed, but always kind. If there ever was an unruly pup, it has been me for sure. But He never has been harsh, or given up on me.

In a very small way my re-teaching Lou to heel is a reflection of the Lord reaffirming to me that I can trust Him. His timing, His way, His Lead.

He has all the wisdom I need to do this life, I just need to stay at His heel.

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Friday, March 18, 2011

O TASTE and see that the Lord, He IS good....

Fear is the most deceitful cage that you can be in. The Liar whispers the bars into place, and fashions the mist so that it appears the door is shut tight. Locked with no hope of release.

I have been in that cage, in a pit so deep I lost sight of the light at times. The whispers came slowly at first, and I tried with all my might to ignore them. What I truly needed to do was to take them with both hands and hurl them at the foot of the Cross where the blood of Jesus covers them so that they aren't even visible anymore.

I can say with every fiber of my being that there is NO darkness that can blot out the light of the Lord. No pain, no sadness, no despair that His Love does not go deeper still.

There are many things that the Lord is teaching me through this time, He certainly isn't wasting anything.

He doesn't despise us in our weakness, He isn't frustrated when we fall, and He is always faithful and close to the brokenhearted. Always.

I have tasted the bitter water of fear, have lived with the empty pit of hopelessness, have been robbed of my last shred of rational thought at times, and the Lord has lifted me up.... all with His strength, I had none.

He is my Redeemer, and the Lifter of my head.

I have tasted and seen, Jesus you are good.

Monday, March 14, 2011

For Better and For Worse

Marriage is no small commitment. To have, to hold, to live with, to love, to do and give our very best to another person everyday. That's a lot. But that's not all, it means being there when no one else is. Showing up when it's hard, or you're tired, or you've been showing up for a really long time and it isn't getting easier.

These last few months I have seen the definition of commitment lived out in front of my own eyes. As my husband walks through illness of various types with me, he keeps showing up. I feel pretty safe speaking for him here.... it hasn't been easy. I think some of the scariest moments of his life have been in the last few months, and I really hate that I have been the platter on which those moments have been served. On the other hand, if the Lord is using it (and I know He is) to shape Rick into the man He desires him to be, then okay. We don't get to pick which kind of vessel we are, we just need to be willing to be used.

That's not to say that I have been joyfully submitted to this season. I haven't. I have cried out for deliverance, wept with exhaustion, whined, grumped, been irritable, and begged God to just heal me. Please. A couple of times that has all happened in just one day. Then there are the hurricane grade panic attacks. Those have been the most harrowing of all for Rick. As he holds on to me, and I cling to him, I know that he has both spiritual hands gripped tight on Jesus trusting that He will guide us through. The Lord has walked us through several of these dark moments, I wouldn't wish them on an enemy, and I know that they are not in vain.

I trust, for various solid reasons, that the Lord is about the business of healing me. Not in the presto-change o kind of way that I would like, but through a process. I'm learning moderation. I'm learning to trust my husband, to listen to the Lord's still small voice, to take more time with my kids and love them for who they are right where they're at. I'm sure there are a lot more things that the Lord is teaching me, and that He will be faithful to show me all of that when the machinery upstairs is whirring as it should again.

For now I am in awe of the love that the Lord has given to this man I get to call my husband, and that he has chosen me for better and for worse.