Goodbye..... Hello

As I sit in my warm home with family I love, I think back on 2013. I am thrilled to know that all of the unanswered questions of this year have their resolutions in Jesus. 

This year the Lord has allowed joy and pain, answered long term prayer, has granted healing and carried us through profound brokenness. 

In it all I have become evermore acutely aware that He is enough. His love is enough. His grace is enough. That as I turn to Him with all that life contains He molds and makes all things new. 

The process is not usually pleasant, is often exhausting, and always involves going deeper in trust and surrender. 

And it's all worth it. All of it. The tears, the waiting, the prayer prayed a thousand times, the joy, the miracles, the love. All worth it. 

He is, has been, will always be, enough. 

Now and forever. 

Happy New Year....

Oh to be a child bride...

Oh to be a child bride.

To have your entire life planned out for you. Whom you will marry, where you will live, even what you will cook, and quite possibly what your children's names will be. I marvel at the submission and trust that living in those confines would take. I wonder at the potential security that may come from knowing your life mate from your earliest memory. I also know myself well, and it's pretty safe to say that I would buck those confines at every turn.
No choice. No voice. Absolute obedience without any thought to what is in your heart, your personal desires, YOU.

I don't doubt that the people who engage in this practice believe that they are doing what is best, honoring a long standing tradition.

As I was pondering this a few weeks back I got to thinking about being a bride. Not just my personal experience, but the experiences I have observed over the years. Young brides, cheeks flushed with anticipation and the glow of fresh dreams. Widows remarrying, preparing to once again love and become vulnerable after pain and loss, learning to open their hearts and lives in a new way. Brides with a past more inky black than the leather of the old Bible that sits in my nightstand drawer, who never even dared dream that they would have someone who would accept them, love them, want them just as they are. Let alone a wedding.

It's an honor to be asked, to have the offer of another person's life laid down for you. It's humbling. The reality of the bowing down, the tears in the eyes, the honesty of heart intertwined in the words, "Will you marry me?"

I love a Love Story. I love a Dream. I Love being asked to be a Bride.

The gracious beauty that fills my life is unending.

That He, the Lord of All Creation who has known me from before my earliest memory, would ask me to be His Bride. It requires profound trust and weighty submission, but the confines are all freedom. Peace, joy, hope, redemption, unfailing love.... everything my heart has ever longed for is found in Him. Obedience to His commands are all blessing. There is nothing He asks of me that He HIMSELF does not give me the strength to do. It is often that I realize I am not doing much more than laying in the palm of His hand, resting in Him as He carries me through a storm high above the waves of fear and doubt.

His offer is precious, stunning, gloriously unique.

I know His hand well now, yet am humbled as if He has asked again for the first time.

Song of Songs 4:7

Maybe I just needed a reminder...

I've always been afraid to write. 

Not to say that the fear has stopped me. It hasn't. Well, not completely.

But it has crippled me often enough that I find myself irritated.

At age 11 I started a novel. I wrote some 40+ hand written pages about a secret child conceived in WWII, who just happened to be my age, and was now accidentally finding out about her true identity through documents she came upon while snooping through her "Uncle's" things.....

I remember finding it after having set it aside for months, I read it... every page... and picked it apart mercilessly. Never good enough. I burned it.

I wrote poetry from 13 to 18 so much that my room looked like a recycling bin... I thought in verse. I even led a poetry group at my community college... and now those things too are lost.

Then I wrote lyrics, more than I can count. They would float to me in dreams, or on warm breezes coming in the window on another long drive, or maybe I would find them in the soapy water of supper dishes while listening to the soothing sounds of my lover (husband) on the piano...

I OVER ANALYZE ME.

I want so badly to be and say and do what would be good and acceptable, to not misrepresent the Lord who has truly grabbed my undeserving life from that pit of horrific sin and selfishness and utter despair.

It used to be that I wanted to be liked. Liked is nice, sure. But Holy is better. Holy, Wholly, WHOLE. I had more holes in me than swiss cheese, and it took me decades to realize it, but I'm not so interested in 'liked' anymore. 

Also, being accepted was paramount. I always felt rejected and despised on so many fronts. Then one day, well one day all the other days culminated into THIS day, I finally got it. I AM ACCEPTED. Not just by people that are frail and flawed, although I have quite a few of those that really love me, but by the GOD OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. 

That pretty much changed the motivation for writing. For doing anything, everything.

I still find myself second guessing my words, my thoughts, the message I'm broadcasting to whoever is listening. But I don't burn stuff anymore. At least there's that....

I think I find myself repeatedly in a state of circumstantial vertigo.... like the consequences of bad choices, mine and others, form into something akin to a tornado. I can see it forming sometimes, and trust me I know what that looks like now, and there's nothing to do but get out of the way, burrow into the soil of Faith, or run into the Arms of the One who is never afraid of the storms, no matter what brought them on.

Often I sit in a fog, a daze, a combination of pain and overwhelming grief. 

Loss is a vacuum... an emotional black hole.
Unfortunately I have a lot of loss in my life, and more is coming.
Loss is as non-negotiable as change. It's just a fact of life.
Jesus knows Loss. He understands grief, and He's always willing to walk me through mine.

I love that.

I said this the other day at my family reunion, and I mean it more now as I'm writing than I did then: There is so much more good than bad in my life.
That's the truth.

It's where I'm at. I'm grieving. I'm walking through fire. I'm in Deep Water. 

And I'm clinging to the sure hope of Isaiah 43:
 
1But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
    O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.                            
 ² When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

⁵ “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
    I will gather you and your children from east and west.
⁶ I will say to the north and south,
    ‘Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel
    from the distant corners of the earth.
⁷ Bring all who claim me as their God,
    for I have made them for my glory.
    It was I who created them.’”

He has proven Himself faithful to me, in situations that I thought I would never get through, without Him I indeed wouldn't have. 

I really have nothing to fear, not writing or anything else. In the end everything always comes back to Jesus and His Love.

Jesus KNOWS me, this I love. He has never left me and never will. He holds all those I love in the palm of His hand and has Grace enough for us all.

Maybe I just needed a reminder...

Thanks
 

Breathless

I wish there were a breathless font. A font that could communicate a whisper. 

I am unable to even process what is going on in my life at this moment. 
This week has left me with an ache in my gut that won't stop. 

I ache for the horror that has happened in my old neighborhood mall...

I ache for the families and children in Newtown....

I ache for my father who is slowly dying, a prisoner in his own body....

and then last night the new ache, a new diagnosis atop the old one, an accelerator revving up the destruction of his brain... his body.... him.

Again. I wish there were a breathless font. It's where I am tonight.

I'm comforted to know Jesus was a man of sorrows.... He understands all of this. All these sucker punches. 

I'm trusting He will help me to sort it out as well. 

Love in the Waiting...

Marriage, commitment, devotion, and chronic illness.

I sit this morning in a sanctuary surrounded by the beauty of the season. Glowing golden lights suspended in the air, representations of that Light, that Star that led the way. Trees perfectly placed, boughs laden with white fluff, sending their own light twinkling from deep within.

And yet I see something that shines with a light and warmth so true, so sincere, so beautiful that all else pales in comparison.

There is a man at our church whose wife suffered an aneurysm over a year ago. I did not know this couple before this event, I don't even know this man well now. But I noticed them the first time I sat in this sanctuary 10 months ago. It wasn't because of the wheelchair  or the way she seemed to be asleep throughout the service.

No.

The teaching was on marriage that Sunday. On love. On commitment. I remember seeing this man holding his wife's hand. Not just resting his on hers, but holding onto her hand. Intermittently he would caress her fingers, reposition her arm, covering her hand with his.

It was a poignantly beautiful picture of the words that were being spoken. Devotion and commitment with skin on. Love in the real, painful, day after day waiting.

This morning as I look at the trees in our sanctuary, I visualize that kind of love in an arboreal form. I think of the trees on the rugged coast of Northern California, forced to dig down deep into the ground. To network their root systems and in so doing finding strength that they never would have had alone.

But the thing that strikes me the most this day is their beauty. The constant beating of the wind has forced them to warp and bend. To create a stance and form that never would have happened under circumstances that are mild and calm. People come from all over the world to photograph these trees. To admire their gnarly twisted majesty.
To stand in awe of the ability to adapt and become stronger, even more beautiful in the midst of the beating. And the wind doesn't stop.

I stand in a similar awe today. I see the wind blowing, and it hasn't stopped. Stronger than the wind, more majestic than those awesome trees, I see the love of Jesus in this place. Causing this family to stand. In a strong, adaptive, majestic way. A perfect picture of His devotion, His commitment.

This is Love.

Love in the waiting.

Beautiful.

Close Proximity (Copied from my journal) written 12-1-12

This happens a lot. I open the journal and words flood like people through an airport terminal in my brain. I'm not sure what to write.... I know I NEED to, but I'm always so concerned about the message I'm sending, the possibility of hurting someone's feelings, even my handwriting.... And now, my body has decided to finally truly freak out so there is the added concern that my swollen first-finger knuckles won't let me write at all. This seems to be a strong pattern in my life; fear that I'm missing something, doing something wrong, waiting for the 'fly swatter', then ultimately throwing up my hands and giving in to defeat based on the 'knowledge' that I'll never get it right anyway.

Defeated living.

Waking up with a frown in place, muscles tight, ears ringing, stomach ache, pale bloodless hands, in a ditch where joy should be. A ditch that started out as a rut. Then comes a book, a magazine, a devotion, a song... and I hear His voice. I've heard His voice many times in this stumble, crawl, sprint-walk we've been on this last 21 years. He has often had to repeat Himself, one phrase in particular stands out... "Do you trust Me?". The answer has changed several times. Initially it was an emphatic, "Of course I do!". Then a miscarriage, "No, I don't. Why?". Then a decade of abuse and the fire-storm of consequences rained down on me and my children, "Not very well...". Next a divorce, titanic panic attacks, children hurting, acting out of their pain, knee-jerk responses, running from His voice, "I'm too scared to, I can't..... I won't." Then more pain, more consequences, broken hearts, broken dreams, selfish choices, regret, shame, guilt. The deepest part of the rut. I couldn't hear His voice at all.

Then came the wall.

The emotional, physical, spiritual wall. I hit it with the force of a freight train. Months turned into years of strange physical symptoms; mood swings, low blood pressure, inability to swallow, panic, depression, unmaintainable thyroid levels, insomnia, fatigue, hair loss, weight loss, no appetite, muscle spasms, arthritis, TMJ, visual disturbances, and the crowning glory: tinnitus of every variety.
Something inside of me had been sending smoke signals for many years and I had either looked the other direction or closed my eyes altogether. Well, the smoke signal fire had blossomed into a wild fire that threatened to engulf me. Dr. after Dr., specialists, blood work, live imaging. I watched myself wasting away. Unable to swallow anything but the clearest liquids. I lost 17 pounds. 17 pounds that were not extra by any means.

All the momentum of my sin, the consequences of my rash decisions, the stress of legal battles, the abuse, the loss, the heaviness all finally threw it's weight right into my throat.

I remember wondering, as I closed my half-open eyes at night, if I would awake the next morning. Feeling my heart pound out it's slow, hard, beat that rang in my ears... at times it would be at 50 beats per minute. Some of those beats so haltingly that it seemed there were no guarantee of the next one. The sensation I recall most acutely though, is the nearness and the tenderness of the Lord. At the most desperate point in that acute 2 month span I heard Him clearly... First, "You are forgiven. Completely." Then, "I love you. I'm here." And finally, "I will renew and revive you." All the while the sound of this whisper, "Trust me", came filtering in and out like the sound of the waves rolling gently, constantly on the sands of my heart.

I had the opportunity to respond, "Help me to trust you, Lord." Then, "I want to trust You, Lord." Then, "Take my fear and guilt and shame. My hands are so full of their residue that I can't hold onto Yours." Then, "I trust you Lord." Wince... "I trust you Lord." Gritted teeth. "I trust you Lord" But let me help you out with this mess, that child, this man, my life...

Renew and revive He did, only to find me sprinting ahead in short bursts... with the end result always being me snuggled up the wall I hit before. Never with that same intensity, but always ending up in close proximity to it.

Fast forward to now... several months ago strange symptoms began to creep back in, with some new ones to keep things interesting. I smelled 'smoke' but went looking for water in the wrong places. Again, unmaintainable thyroid levels persisted, white hands and face, hair loss, weight loss, foggy thinking, depression, irritability, suicidal thoughts, louder tinnitus, chest pain, muscle spasms near seizure intensity, and no appetite. Doctor visits became weekly, blood work, dosage changes, prayer for answers, dead ends with lab results, MD's stumped, no energy, kids frustrated, husband scared and tired (again), and responsibilities and obligations mounting like fresh snow fall on Mt. Baker. With joints swollen, head ringing, muscles wound tight, I seek His voice. He speaks to me, "Have your magnesium checked." And, "Go to this Naturopath." Then, "Buy this book." And in reading Lucado's GRACE, I heard Him speak loud and clear, "You can rest now." 

Those words hit me like a brick. The tears flowed instantly.

"YOU can rest NOW."

I'm realizing that rest and trust go hand in hand. Trusting the He is in control, that everything that needs to happen will, trusting that He is more than able to watch over and reach my loved ones. Trusting that He is able to carry me and that His promises ARE true. Only when I relax in that trust can I truly rest. Laying down with a head full of worries and a heart full of doubt makes for tossing and turning, there's no rest in that. So, one step at time, in step with Him, learning to breath in His rest, and breath out Faith. Just as our dog Louie the Meatball needs a gentle leader harness to remind him that he doesn't have to be on guard, that he really isn't in charge, to RELAX. My sweet Gentle Leader is doing the same for me. Each pain, swollen joint, with every tone only audible only to me, I hear trust, rest, trust, rest.

" God my Shepherd!
I don't need a thing
You have bedded me down
In lush meadows,
You find me quiet pools
To drink from.
True to Your Word,
You let me catch
My Breath
And send me in the
Right direction."

 From Psalm 23 (MSG)

Adrenal fatigue, anemia, arthritis, hypo-thyroidism.... all His messengers. All the same message, "You must rest now. You will rest now. You CAN rest now."

Weakness...

My weakness is not a surprise to Jesus.

I know that that sounds ridiculous, nothing is a surprise to Him.
I, however, have felt like a failure, frustrated, and disappointed when faced with my own frailty.

Today the Lord showed me that He actually rejoices when we discover our weaknesses. 
That He intends for us to recognize them and become dissatisfied with our own 

Strength

Cleverness

Ideas

Efforts

Plans

Selves.

He loves it that when we realize that our own strength only drives us to a dead end, He is there to carry us.
That when we have used the last ounce of our own cleverness and wit, He offers true wisdom.
When ideas are all scattered on the ground and there are no thoughts but hopeless ones, He renews our minds and gives a new perspective.
Time after time our efforts leave us exhausted and frustrated, He says "Rest".
Plans for your marriage, plans for your children, plans for your health, your finances, your home, you.... slip right through your hands and down the drain... He offers guidance and direction, a way back through redemption.
Self. Coming to the end of it is quite a process. More resilient than Morning Glory... more versatile than blackberry bushes in the North West ..... the clear call is to die, to die to self, to lay it all down... to live in Him.

I'm truly starting to see my weakness as a good thing. Like a road sign, pointing me back to the Savior every time. Like a need for nourishment, or a deep thirst, the message is clear....

I need You.

I need You.

I need You. 
 

I just want to be Normal......

There I was, comparing my outsides to everyone else's insides. Always a bad game to play.

It's something that I've done since I was a young child.

Sitting in the auditorium at my elementary school on performance night wondering where my dad was.

Where he'd been.

Why he wasn't here, again.

And the examples go on and on.

I don't dwell on the specifics of my past much, it isn't pleasant by a long shot, and I have the assurance that the Lord is indeed working it all together for good.....

..... but every once in a while..... WHAM! It hits me like a lightning bolt..... how broken my life has been. The focus becomes really sharp on how fragmented my life is, how much pain my children have had to endure, how much I STILL struggle emotionally at times....

And then the words:

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.

Tonight was a bit different than the previous times that I have dwelt on those words....

I began to think about what I would have missed in my life had I not had the broken, fragmented life I've had....

Like knowing to the innermost part of me that my Father in Heaven is truly MY FATHER, because He is the only one I had for so long....

Like feeling His arms around me holding me like a child as I fell asleep when the pain was more than I could bear.

Like hearing His voice so clearly comforting, correcting, and guiding me when there was no human who I could turn to.

In my loneliness He has shown me His constant Love.

In my all consuming pain He has shown me His comfort.

In my betrayal and abandonment He has shown me His faithfulness.

In my wounding He has shown me His healing hand.

In my rebellion He has shown me His kindness.

And in my brokenness He shows me grace.

Oh the lessons and transformation that has come from the fractures and pain.

Looking back, I wouldn't trade any of it for 'Normal'.

(Not that I honestly believe it exists.... other than a setting on my dryer...)

Thank you Lord for using the brokenness to show me who You are.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

Through the Fire...

We all have our own versions of what I'm about to share. Our own seasons of fire. 

Everyone, all of humanity does.

I'm just so unbelievably thankful that as a Christian the burning has a purpose.

To Refine.

Not just to wreak havoc. Bring Chaos. Devastate. Shatter. Destroy.

No, to rid of impurity. To reveal what is beneath. 

I had a vision a bit ago, (and as an artist I get them often), a vision that helped me to understand something in a deeper way. 

There was heat all around me, the kind of heat you can see. Not fire necessarily, more like the kind of heat wave that you see on hot pavement in the middle of August.

As the heat moved from my head to my feet, my physical exterior became thinner and thinner. In some spots less opaque, some near transparent, some just.... gone. 

And in the places you could see through, or in the absence of my flesh...

there was Gold.

I wasn't in any pain, and the Gold was so pure it was reflective.

There was movement in the reflection, but I couldn't make it out. 

Someday....

I know that this probably sounds gruesome to a degree, but it wasn't sci-fi yuck at all. 

It was beautiful. 

These last few years have had much fire, in many forms, and my husband and I have sought to follow Jesus even if it meant walking right through the middle. 

On more than one occasion, it has.

We have come out the other side of these fires with a better understanding of His faithfulness, His constancy, His provision, and His unfathomable Love. 

He is enough.

Life is full of fires. All shapes and sizes. 

But if a pure reflective Gold is the end result, then praise Him!

And, 

it is.

Stretched so that they might bear fruit...

I was at a great informational meeting, (about organic family farming in our area), with my sweet mom-in-love this week when I heard that concept.....

Stretched so that they might bear fruit.

It hit me like a verbal frying pan when I heard the farmer that was speaking say it. There was much deeper meaning that the Lord was speaking to me than shaping young apple trees into a particular position.

As the farmer spoke about the process of stretching the young trees into specific shapes so that they might bear a better harvest of fruit in the future, the Lord began to allow images of the last many years into my mind.

Painful images, sad images, hard images, and current trying images as well. He spoke to me about the process of 'stretching' that is going on in my life. That has been going on since before I even knew Him. He, as the perfect Farmer, has been stretching and pruning and positioning, even re-planting, for years. All because He knows the good fruit he has intended for my life, and for the lives of those around me.

The stretching is so that they might bear fruit.

Then I began to envision the process of the stretching as described by the farmer. The potential braces, wires, tools, and most important of all.... the hands that would be skillfully and purposefully moving and bending the branches.

The Hands.

I thought of the Lord's hands. Nail scarred hands. Hands that have touched the leper, the prostitute, the blind, the hopeless. His Hands.

The Hands of Jesus.

His hands hold the World. His hands knit me together in my mother's womb. The same hands that reach out to the broken, weak, and weary. THOSE hands are shaping me into the exact person that I need to be to bear the fruit that He has had planned since before time.

All the tension.

All the breakage.

All the stretching, and wounding, and healing.....

It's all stretching me into a shape.

Into His Shape.

So that I might bear fruit.

I got my Washington State Driver's License today.....

I am such a girl.

I don't often admit that, but it is so true.

I looked at my Driver's License photo today and the first thought through my head was, "WOW. I sure have aged a lot in the last 2 years...."

It bothered me for a bit. Well, more than a bit.... but then I began to give my feelings and thoughts over to the Lord about it.....

.... and He began to show me all the beautiful ways that He has 'aged' me in the last few years.

He has matured my trust in His faithfulness.

He has grown my love for his Word.

He has caused my desire to obey Him to increase by leaps and bounds.

He has expanded my view of who He is to me, and who He is to my children.

He has broken and mended my heart in more ways than I can describe.

He has carried me when my strength was gone, restored me, and underlined the fact that He does not despise weakness.

There is so much more that He has done, and WAY more that He is doing......

Thank you Department of Licensing!

Apparently I need the reminder!

:)

Looking back...

Looking back is hard.

There is pain in the foreground. Lots of it. But not looking at all isn't the right thing either. Amidst the rubble of the past are treasures. Things and people seemingly lost, just waiting to be remembered and found.

It's all about the right perspective and focus.

I have to have Christ-tinted lenses to enable me to see things accurately.

Once in place, I begin to recognize that the work of making all things new has begun.

Thankful. So thankful that He is faithful and completes what He has started.

And what He begins is always Good.

Create in Me A Clean Heart...

Or at least one that beats normally.

My son Gabe has been having heart issues for years. Probably 4 years. But no one knew it until his symptoms were severe and required medical attention immediately.

There's much more to his story, but I want to think about the first part. The part about how something was very wrong for years but no one suspected until it became excruciatingly uncomfortable.

How many times in my life have I ignored or excused away the 'symptoms' of something much deeper. Serious spiritual 'heart' issues.

Judgment

Compromise

Pride

Fear

The list could go on and on.

Uncomfortable has a way of forcing me to cry out to the Great Physician for help. He knows better than anyone how desperately I need healing. How I need sin to be ablated in my heart of hearts.

Oh Lord, thank you for being so faithful and patient to show me those areas that I might have an opportunity to release them to Your Hand.

Truly Lord, only You can Create In Me A Clean Heart.

The Dream

I am not living my dream,

My dream has changed
As has my vision.

Perhaps I was unable to see
Before.

My dream is that I would

Have no enemies

Be a fast listener
And slow talker

Let my regrets go
To bed once and for all

Love without restraint

Restrain my flesh more

Trust the Lord
With what is His already
Anyway.

No
I'm not living my dream,
However
I do have one that's worth living now.

Follow

I've been thinking a lot about sincerity and realness in my walk with Jesus since our women's retreat last weekend. The speaker, Leslie Nease, was very sincere and even more real in her speaking to us. The second I saw her face online before the retreat I felt a kinship to her. I didn't know her whole story, just that her blog was titled REAL LIFE, and the way that she writes is transparent. Maybe it was something in her smile, her eyes.... or maybe not. It was Jesus. I needed to hear what she had to say, and let me tell you that the Enemy did everything he could to stop me from hearing it.

Money, transportation, gear, kids, my extremely unfaithful friend Fear, you name it and he threw it my way. Thank the Lord for my husband. He gently but firmly said that I needed to be there. That the Lord wanted me there and he knew it, that he wouldn't stand for me cowing down to the Enemy yet one more time to be led into that wretched hole the Lord has been trying so patiently to drag me from.

So I went.

I was a part of the worship team, which gave me some sense of a feeling of commitment to go, and yet the reasons that I had for being hesitant were real. But not as real as the message that was in store for me when I got there.

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 10 or 11 years old. (I'm pretty sure it was 10... but that was a while ago.) My Grandma had passed away when I was 8 and a half, she was my best friend, and the world was officially off it's axis after that. My time at Camp Yamhill for those few summers, and the time I spent with the youth at Metro Church of Christ really watered little seeds that had been planted when I was a young child. But life, and sin, and trauma, and abuse, and and and..... provided fertile ground for me to become fearful, hopeless, angry, and lost for a lot of years after that day in the Yamhill River where I was baptized.

I went through the Genie in the Lamp god stage, and the life preserver god stage, and the 'wow I can't seem to get it right no matter how hard I try so I'll just keep God over there and I'll be over here giving myself a colossal beating so He won't have to' stage, then the ever so popular 'I am going to take the wheel now thanks for getting me this far I can do just fine now' stage, which promptly landed me into a spiritual, emotional, and physical (as far as my health is concerned) brick wall.

Leslie spoke about this, she called it The Try Cycle. Ya know, Try, Try harder, Try Hardest, Give up...... and under the heading of Give Up would be a myriad of horrendous decisions, or buying massive stock in the Enemies lies until a phone call, a visit, or the Lord Himself would pull me up and give me hope to try again.

What I realized at the retreat is that I was trying so hard all those years to be acceptable, to be worthy, to be lovable, and to do all kinds of good stuff hoping to achieve those things.

I had it backward.

During our quiet time we were instructed to go and spend some time with the Lord, no real hard parameters on what to do exactly, just to be with Him. So, I grabbed my journal and headed to my room. I opened it up and asked the Lord to speak to me, and here is what He said:

I have loved you with an everlasting Love.

My thoughts toward you are precious.

I am renewing and reviving you.

I will never let you go.

You are completely covered and forgiven.

And then;

From HERE on:

I am the Truth

I am the Way

I am the Life

But then He had me go back through and slash the word 'the' in the last 3 lines and replace
them like this:

I am YOUR Truth

I am YOUR Way

I am YOUR Life ~ Jesus


I had never thought of those words in that way. Always so general, now He was telling me that after all the affirmation He had just spoken to me, He is all the things that I am searching for. I left that quiet time totally humbled and very ready to hear anything further that the Lord wanted to speak to me during that retreat time.

At one point Leslie used a large blood red piece of cloth to cover up some items that represented her old life. I don't think I'll ever forget that visual. The things were totally not visible by ANYONE anymore. Covered completely. I have struggled with that for so long, feeling marked, labeled, condemned, and in that one moment the Lord used that visual to show me how completely in Him I am.

I had been striving all those years for something that already was. I am totally worthy, loved, and accepted in Jesus! It was already a done deal. Nothing I can do or say or be can make it anymore so than it is right now! I have shied away from the hand of the Lord, from the voice of my Father for so long because I didn't truly believe in my position. I was so ashamed of my sin, so afraid of his punishment for my rebellion, that I ran along the edges trying to build up enough good-ness that He might accept me.

He already does!

He doesn't even see my sin anymore, I am in Him, and in Him I am protected and valuable and secure.

No wonder the Enemy didn't want me there.

I must be honest and say that ever since I got home he has been doing his darndest to distract me, to continue to pummel my body, fire darts of doubt and lies into my mind..... BUT I have the Truth. I am in Him and He is in me, and He told me that He will never let me go.

I may feel the wind as the Enemy storms about, or the heat as his temper flares, but I am on solid ground, and I know who I am and WHO I belong to.......

and I BELIEVE it.

Finally. :)

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.....

"What a fellowship
What a joy divine
Leaning on the Everlasting Arms!
What a blessedness
What a peace is mine
Leaning on the Everlasting Arms!"~ Elisha Hoffman 1887

Truly, is there anywhere else in this world where peace and joy can be found other than in the Arms of the Everlasting God?

This song has been running through my head tonight and it caused me to reflect on all the other things that I have 'leaned' on in my life. It is safe to say that the list is long, and actually humbling to recount. I have tried finding strength just about everywhere else on the planet before I came to the life-changing realization that true strength that stands when all else is falling is found in Jesus alone.

"On Christ the solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground IS sinking sand." ~Edward Mote 1834

Obviously, people have been getting this for long before me. Thank the Lord that they composed such testimonial hymns to relate to us that would come later.

Hymns have always been a comfort food musically to me. I grew up with my spunky Grandma Freda singing and humming them around her little house in Portland, OR. Her 'Camp Song' books were left to me after she went home to Jesus, and I spent many hours reading them and thinking about their meaning as a young adult.

"I heard an old, old story,
How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;
I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood's atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory." ~ Eugene Monroe Bartlett 1939

Such rich, deep, truth embedded in every one. To truly understand what Christ did for me leads me straight to the foot of that old bloody cross, and to a decision as to what I'm going to do about it.

"Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind
But now I see."~ John Newton 1760-70

And what a wretch I was! And how lost.... I can't get through that verse without choking back tears of gratitude for the Grace that has saved me, given me sight, and led me home.
My salvation experience wasn't an easy one, no human led me in a prayer, no alter was around to hear a pastor's voice calling. In sharp contrast, however, was the roar of the ocean, the pounding of my own heartbeat, and the clarion call of the Saviour of my soul.

"At the cross, at the cross,
Where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away.
It was there by faith
I received my sight
And now I am happy all the day."~ Isaac Watts 1707

To finally grab hold of the truth that I have a Redeemer that truly wants to shoulder the burdens of this life has brought a rest to my spirit and peace to my mind that is near indescribable. The Enemy would love nothing better than to convince me that it is I that should be able to carry it all, and then back up to my emotional driveway with a truckload of guilt when I can't. Thank you Lord that your yoke is easy and your burden is light.

It's always about His strength, and about Him perfecting it in my weakness.

Thank you Jesus for the gift of music, for the depth of the Hymns, and for your Truth most of all.

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Am I getting this right?

Oh, just when I think I figured 'it' out, 'it' changes..... That's how I feel about my body. YES, I understand that our bodies are going to change.... mine has morphed many times so far... I just mean the maintenance stuff.... Eating and sleeping and hydrating and supplementing and and and...

I have made several misturns in the last few days and am now paying (and praying) for it. I'm asking the Lord for wisdom on what to do and what not to do. He has already been faithful to answer me quite clearly on a few things.....

In this season of my life, if I have an event in the evening I need to rest during the day. Check.

If I have things going on all morning, I need to rest that evening. Check.

Don't eat sugar until AFTER you've had adequate protein, and only in little bits. CHECK.

Stay hydrated. Check.

Listen to the gentle nudges from my husband. Check.

If you feel stressed out as if you're doing too much, YOU ARE. Check.

Rest in the Lord, trust in His plan. Hmmmm, maybe not so check.


It seems like whenever I get a bit of my legs under me, I'm off and running... and right now running isn't pretty. It's wobbly and awkward, and you're likely to find me collapsed in a heap in someone's front yard.

The Lord is ever so patiently teaching me to 'heel'.

He is healing me, and heeling me at the same time.

I watched our little dog, Louie the Meatball, tonight on his leash and I was so irritated at the way he strains against my lead.... I implemented rudimentary heeling training immediately. It didn't take long and he was walking where he should be, but I knew that if I let him have his head he would be 6 feet ahead of me, front paws nearly off the ground, straining against my lead again.

Straining against my lead.......

Straining against..... His lead.

Oh how many times have I strained against the Lord's lead. I have either run ahead at lightning speed with my collar choking me, the beautiful tag of ownership with His name on it flapping wildly under my lolling tongue, only to be caught up short.

OR, I'm lagging behind. Front and back legs rigid, eyes closed, either terrified or simply full of my own rebellion and willfulness. I won't, I won't, I WON'T!

I am reminded this evening that the Lord has never wielded a 'newspaper' to my backside, strapped on a 'pinch collar', or employed an electric shock device.

Oh, I've had headlines that are hair raising wake me up for sure, experienced my fair share of pain, and been jolted back to my senses a time or two. But never by His hand.

Natural consequences, and a healthy dose of conscience have been doing their job just fine.

The Lord's hand has always been gentle with me. Strong when needed, but always kind. If there ever was an unruly pup, it has been me for sure. But He never has been harsh, or given up on me.

In a very small way my re-teaching Lou to heel is a reflection of the Lord reaffirming to me that I can trust Him. His timing, His way, His Lead.

He has all the wisdom I need to do this life, I just need to stay at His heel.

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O TASTE and see that the Lord, He IS good....

Fear is the most deceitful cage that you can be in. The Liar whispers the bars into place, and fashions the mist so that it appears the door is shut tight. Locked with no hope of release.

I have been in that cage, in a pit so deep I lost sight of the light at times. The whispers came slowly at first, and I tried with all my might to ignore them. What I truly needed to do was to take them with both hands and hurl them at the foot of the Cross where the blood of Jesus covers them so that they aren't even visible anymore.

I can say with every fiber of my being that there is NO darkness that can blot out the light of the Lord. No pain, no sadness, no despair that His Love does not go deeper still.

There are many things that the Lord is teaching me through this time, He certainly isn't wasting anything.

He doesn't despise us in our weakness, He isn't frustrated when we fall, and He is always faithful and close to the brokenhearted. Always.

I have tasted the bitter water of fear, have lived with the empty pit of hopelessness, have been robbed of my last shred of rational thought at times, and the Lord has lifted me up.... all with His strength, I had none.

He is my Redeemer, and the Lifter of my head.

I have tasted and seen, Jesus you are good.

For Better and For Worse

Marriage is no small commitment. To have, to hold, to live with, to love, to do and give our very best to another person everyday. That's a lot. But that's not all, it means being there when no one else is. Showing up when it's hard, or you're tired, or you've been showing up for a really long time and it isn't getting easier.

These last few months I have seen the definition of commitment lived out in front of my own eyes. As my husband walks through illness of various types with me, he keeps showing up. I feel pretty safe speaking for him here.... it hasn't been easy. I think some of the scariest moments of his life have been in the last few months, and I really hate that I have been the platter on which those moments have been served. On the other hand, if the Lord is using it (and I know He is) to shape Rick into the man He desires him to be, then okay. We don't get to pick which kind of vessel we are, we just need to be willing to be used.

That's not to say that I have been joyfully submitted to this season. I haven't. I have cried out for deliverance, wept with exhaustion, whined, grumped, been irritable, and begged God to just heal me. Please. A couple of times that has all happened in just one day. Then there are the hurricane grade panic attacks. Those have been the most harrowing of all for Rick. As he holds on to me, and I cling to him, I know that he has both spiritual hands gripped tight on Jesus trusting that He will guide us through. The Lord has walked us through several of these dark moments, I wouldn't wish them on an enemy, and I know that they are not in vain.

I trust, for various solid reasons, that the Lord is about the business of healing me. Not in the presto-change o kind of way that I would like, but through a process. I'm learning moderation. I'm learning to trust my husband, to listen to the Lord's still small voice, to take more time with my kids and love them for who they are right where they're at. I'm sure there are a lot more things that the Lord is teaching me, and that He will be faithful to show me all of that when the machinery upstairs is whirring as it should again.

For now I am in awe of the love that the Lord has given to this man I get to call my husband, and that he has chosen me for better and for worse.

He IS my Savior.......

The Lord is faithful. He is faithful to do what He said He would do. He is trustworthy, kind, gentle, and patient beyond compare. He is the best friend, brother, husband, confidant. He will never fail, never leave, never drop the ball, never turn away when things are ugly. He presses in when we turn away, He holds tighter when we are falling, He flies the banner of grace and love over prostitutes, murderers, and thieves. He is praying, He is preparing, He has been since before the beginning, and is seated with assurance of the End. He is Alive, He is REAL, He is Powerful, and He is COMING AGAIN. HE is JESUS, and HE is my SAVIOR! Call out His Name today, feel the relief, the release, the reality of the True and Living God. He is for every time, every situation, every one. He is GOD. Amen.